Square-Peg Reflections

Can We Talk?

 

 

Connection and communication matter A LOT to me!

Words matter, even though they are fallible (the incompleteness of mere words is being discussed right now in circles I am part of - you can read a sampling of these types of discussions in the comments section of this recent Facebook update of mine - the women really took things deeper!).

I wrote the piece below back in 2007 (it was called Ain't I Communicatin'? back then). I've shared it in a number of places through the years, and it feels like time to share it again. It's one of my favorite pieces, mostly because it always elicits discussion. And, well - I love connection and communicating!

Can we talk?

A few months ago, if you were a fly on the wall at my house, you would have heard lots of musical conversation:

"Get that damn guitar out of the living room!"

"Didn't I tell you to keep those f-ing drum sticks off my chair?"

Now, however, with the advent of my (3 year old) grand-daughter's live-in status, talk is much less "musical". Recent things you might have heard would include:

"What did I tell you about putting Vikings in your mouth?" (My daughter to my grand-daughter, as the latter was again chewing on one of her "little mens" - figurines she plays with nearly continuously).

and:

"Happy Mothers' Day, we peed your bed" (My grand-daughter - to me - magnanimously including her auntie - who swears she did not pee the bed, after they spend the night in my bed due to painting in their room).

All the (above) sentences have a reason - pronouncement, demand, whatever... - they do communicate, but they're not my favorite kind of communication. My favorite is the kind where thoughts and feelings are shared - two-sided conversations.

It seems that lately I've had to look harder for these kinds of conversation - what I would call "true communication". Have you noticed that too?

Not long ago I was part of this "conversation" (using the term very loosely):

Acquaintance: "What have you been up to?"

Me: (enthusiastically) "My daughter and I are re-doing the kitchen. We've...

Acquaintance (interrupting): "Meanwhile..."

"Meanwhile..." - then she went on to tell me what she'd been up to. "Meanwhile"?!?! - no comment on what I'd said, not even a slight hint that I'd been heard.

I had the sensation of not being listened to - you know that feeling where it's like the words bounce back at you - like they're not going anywhere? Being interrupted by my acquaintance at the beginning of the second sentence (with that awkward segue into her own speech) pretty much justified the feeling.

That's a particularly crass (but factual, unfortunately) example of less-than-true-communication. I've been part of and/or overheard way too many of these kinds of non-communications lately.

Another kind of non-communication is where people have the formula down - each talks, then leaves a space for the other to talk, but their words are like two parallel roads - they never meet. I imagine that Martin Buber would've call this It-It communication.

Why is true communication so scarce? Are we too busy, too bored, too scared? Communication is our blood - it feeds our cells, takes away impurities - it matters! Don't we all love hearing people's stories - having our own be heard?

What do we get out of talking without listening to each other? What is the point? And at what cost?

We've got this beautiful gift of speech (or writing) - the ability to connect - the ability to impart joy, hope and encouragement to each other. The ability to share wonders (and horrors too) - to share heart and mind - ups and downs - to hear and be heard - let's use it!

Wanna talk?

What does real communication mean to YOU? And where do you find it?

Project Love

 

I've been wanting to show you some of my responses to the weekly inspirational prompts I get from A Year With Myself, but - since I write these in a journal, by hand,

it hasn't happened yet - and it's probably not going to happen any too soon. That's because my handwriting is scary & I need to translate the responses into real (other-people-can-understand-it) language, which takes a long time!

I kept waiting to tell you about AYWM (A Year With Myself) - subtitled: Go On A Yearlong Adventure of Empowering Yourself - until I had at least one of those responses to share - sigh. But today I can't wait any longer...

because C.A. Kobu (catalyst of goodness and "project midwife" of A Year With Myself) is giving this week's FULL (the paid version) module away as a valentine's gift.

The free weekly prompts are a huge gift in themselves - so this is extraordinarily sweet (pun intended). You don't want to miss this!!

I love, love, love this reflection-based, heart-opening project - and I'm an Instigator in it (that's C.A. Kobu's name for the folks who "take part in the 'behind the scenes' preparations for this yearlong project") -

FYI: my instigation will appear on February 27th (new weekly chapters come out every Monday - all year!) in a Chapter titled "Authenticity: Emphasizing What Makes You Different." (perfect for Square-Pegs, right?) -

and I just found out that my friend Dian Reid will be instigating that week, too - oooh, I sense upcoming instigation ignition!!!

p.s. I'm an affiliate of A Year With Myself, which means that - if you purchase anything using the links above - you're supporting Square-Peg People without spending a penny more (and I so appreciate your support!).

p.p.s. Nope, I have NO idea why I chose the radishes to accompany this post - except maybe because they're red and...

p.p.p.s. today is Valentine's Day - so Happy V. Day if you celebrate - and happy Tuesday if you don't!  

I Hear Voices

 

I got up late this morning. A couple hours late!

The alarm went off nice and early, I heard it - stretched and told myself: "Today is my Sunday - I'll sleep in"*. A conscious decision - sort of.

It was conscious in the fact that it was a decision; I didn't sleep through the alarm, I heard it and decided to grant myself extra time in my cozy, warm bed.

But it wasn't a totally conscious decision - I forgot the fact that I'd agreed to feed the pooch this morning. And I half forgot that I do my best writing early.

So, maybe we can call it a semi-conscious decision.

Before my feet hit the floor the voices started:

#@%$! I'm already behind with writing. Why did I have to sleep in? #@%$! I'll never get it all done today. #@%$! #@%$! What happened to the post I was writing on Friday? Well, it's old news now. Wow, I'm really behind today! #@%$!

Then the pooch greeted me. And I remembered that this was my morning to feed her. #@%$! How could I forget my dog?!? #@%$! #@%$! #@%$!

There were lots of #@%$!'s - and, of course, lots more bitching about what I didn't do, can't do, won't get to, should've done or already effed up (let's not even talk about the Candy Land incident!).

Because, when you let one of those voices in, all of a sudden it's a party (or a choir, anyway. Of bitchy voices. Who are all singing verses to a song called: You're wrong!).

What to do?

I could ignore the voices (yeah, that works); could do the smiley, it's-all-good deal; could do the stiff upper lip, lock-'em-in-the-basement-or-drown-'em thing (either of which feeds my Shadow)...

or

I could make a different decision - a fully conscious decision! I could pay attention, sit with them, see what they want.

Do you know Rumi's poem, Guest House? It starts:

This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!

He further advises us to:

treat each guest honorably...meet them at the door laughing and invite them in...because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.

 

There are all kinds of positive things I can (and will) do to alter my negative perspective about getting a late start on the day - and I almost pushed myself into doing some of them the minute the voices started.

But I remembered something. I remembered that there's no legitimate way (no way that works) to sneak around those negative voices, annoying feelings - those challenging emotions; I have to sit with them first, listen to find out what they want...

take Rumi's advice and "treat each guest honorably". They always have a reason, always point to something.

And then I can do positive things about my perspective - after the voices have been honored, listened to. Then they come out of the Shadow and relax a bit...and sometimes they'll even sing happy songs.

Have you tried the Guest House approach with your #@%$! voices?

 

*this past weekend my granddaughter came over for her long-awaited holiday visit. So we celebrated Second Christmas, which involved waking up extra early on the weekend mornings (that's why I called today, Monday - my Sunday).

What's All this Fuss About Worthiness

 

I don't know about you, but lately I've been seeing (and hearing) a lot about worthiness. Even when the topic of something I read (or hear) isn't directly about worthiness it's often been the underlying subject. So, what's all this fuss about worthiness?

Am I worthy - are you? Even when we're not doing at all? When we're simply being? How about when we're empty?

Variations of this question have been running through my mind lately. Actually, the variations aren't so much about if I'm worthy - or if you are - because I believe, in my core, that we ARE! My thought-questions are wrapped around how, whether and when I'm honoring the fact (living it) that we are worthy.

I'm a huge proponent of BE-ing!

I'm a huge proponent of BE-ing - when it comes to YOU.

But often, for myself, I judge (softly, but still...)

I sigh about what I've done (or not done) in regards to business that day, about whether I am caught up with all my correspondence (as if), or whether the house or gardens are magazine-worthy (ok, that's a lie - they're usually a right royal mess - and I worry more about the Board of Health visiting), et cetera...

So I reflect - and sigh - and feel, well - unworthy. Even though, down to my core, I know that I am (and YOU are) worthy - absolutely! No ifs, ands or buts (or butts - just sayin').

So, what is all the fuss about worthiness? Why does it crop up so often? Why is it so #@!-ing hard to remember to live in the truth of our worthiness - of our (individually) worthiness - to grant ourselves the same grace and compassion that we can very easily grant others?

I know a few things about worthiness:

I know that it's hard to remember our worthiness in a culture that spreads lies about our worth (pointing to what's wrong with us) to fuel a consumption economy.

I know that realizing - and living in (both head & heart knowledge are vital) our worthiness is foundational to how we take our place in the world. 

and

I know that reminders (which, for me, usually come through written words) of my worthiness help me put things in perspective - help me re-remember that I am worthy - and help me live into that knowledge. I also know that my struggles with worthiness are mostly around doing vs. BE-ing (that might be obvious here - grin).

What I'd like to know is:

When and how do you struggle with worthiness? How do you know you're worthy - and how do you live it? What feeds your worthiness; what are your reminders?

This post is a riff on one I wrote a couple years ago, called What's All the #@!-ing Fuss about Worthiness.

There Are Stars

 

 

As mentioned in the previous post, Empty, I've been having trouble getting started in 2012. This isn't what I expected. And, granted - the year is far from over. But still, I expected more shiny - more bright...

I look around me and notice that 2012's begun with a lot of down time. Not just the usual Northern Hemisphere's winter rest, introspection and reflection kind of down time,

but down time - the doldrums (stuck-ness), deep sadness - and even grief. Actually, lots of grief!

Many people I know and care about (online and in person) went through the holiday season (and on into the beginning of 2012) with significant grief, having lost a loved one (or more than one!) - or with serious health issues.

I look inside myself and notice grief, sadness and stuck-ness at times as well.

WTF? (or, if you prefer the polite version: What the what?)

I was at the Michener Museum the other day (these seemingly disparate topics will come together). There's a lot to love at the Michener*, but right now I want to tell you about a couple paintings that really grabbed me.

They were landscape paintings by George Sotter - with deep, dark purple-blue night skies and tiny, brilliant stars. What grabbed me? The contrast. The eye and heart opening contrast!

The stars stand out in those paintings. There's something about those pinpoints of light - about how they change the darkness, even a whole sky's worth of it. They give me hope: remind me that, no matter how dark it is, one tiny bit of light breaks up the darkness.

And, interestingly - there's also something about the darkness - how the depth of the darkness is what causes those pinpoints of light to stand out! That the stars wouldn't look so bright, wouldn't call to me - if they weren't in the dark.

I was expecting more shiny - more bright - in 2012; and I got it (even though I wasn't noticing) - there are stars! (ah, see - I told you the topics would come together)

The beginning of 2012's been like Sotter's paintings - there's a lot of dark, but there are stars!

Something else interesting (that doesn't show up in the paintings): those stars - they are there even when we can't see them.

 

*One of the many things to love: the fact that it used to be a prison (where I worked occasionally). On the Michener Museum site they tell us: "the old Bucks County jail, once a place of fear and despair, has been transformed into a welcoming center of culture and beauty..." (so true! so beautiful! talk about stars!!!)

Empty

 

I'm having a hard time getting started in 2012.

Actually, I've been working on a different post that starts with those exact words. I'll share it with you another day, but today I'm going to share my empty altar.

The inspiring Jeanne Hewell-Chambers created a site called 365 Altars. I love her idea of making daily altars, but I've been slow getting starting with it (see note above about having a hard time getting started in 2012)...

Last night I wrote Jeanne to tell her how much I appreciate 365 Altars - and noted that I was going to make an altar before going to bed, to set the tone for today.

I didn't - sigh - because (say it with me, please): I'm having a hard time getting started in 2012 (thank you).

In the morning I struggled to figure out what to put in/on my altar (and multitasked by simultaneously berating myself because I didn't make the altar last night - which really goes against my self-care principles).

I couldn't think of anything. Nothing - blank. Then this bowl (pictured above) came to mind.

Empty.

Yes, an empty bowl. That fits. It doesn't exactly set the tone for what I want, but it sure sums up where I'm at.

I've been trying (the word "trying" is important here) to get started in 2012 - trying to get hold of something. Trying to grab something...

I can picture Slightly-British Daughter trying to catch a beam of sunlight (I'm talking about when she was a wee one; she almost never does this now, although I bet I could still get her to try to catch water) - reaching and grabbing and having nothing to show for it.

I've been doing that. And I have the same thing to show for it: nothing.

So I gave up! I picked an empty bowl for my altar.

My altar is empty today, but it's also open (to receive?). And though it doesn't catch the light (doesn't grab it or hold onto it), it reflects light...

beautifully (if I do say so myself).

 

A Gift for YOU

 

Slightly-British Daughter rolled gorgeous photography & great quotes together into a lovely 2012 Square-Peg calendar as a gift for YOU!

It's a Square-Peg calendar because the quotes inspire & encourage us to BE our Square-Peg selves - a relish-your-uniqueness kind of thing.

It's set up as an 8.5" X 11", 12-month calendar that you print yourself - and looks best printed on cardstock or matte photo paper (don't forget to hit "Scale to Fit" on your Print Screen to keep the images from getting chopped off at the bottom).

Here are some shots of the photographs/quotes so you can see how lovely the calendar is (psst - these are just screen shots, so not of the same quality as the calendar itself):

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

 

 

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

 

So go on, go unwrap your gift. I mean - go download your calendar. And have a Happy New Year!

(You'll need Adobe Reader to open the .pdf file - if you don't already have it you can download one here.)

Download 2012 Square-Peg Calendar

 

Muah,

Karen & Lauren (aka Slightly-British Daughter)

 

Holiday Reads

Books make great presents, great company, great insulation (if you can get enough of them to stack against your walls) - especially during the holidays. Wait! IS there any one special time for books? Books are great ALL the time, right?

Well, holiday books are probably great-est during the holidays - so, since it's that time again here are links to 3 Square-Peg posts that have mini-reviews of favorite holiday books.

There's the holiday humor books post, Holiday Book List (so brilliantly titled, right?).

And the aptly named post Favorite Holiday Books for Kids, and

then there's Oh Hell, it's the Holy Holly Holiday Reading List - books wrapped around the spiritual (because why wouldn't I write a Scrooge-sounding post title, with the word "hell" in it, when I'm sharing my favorite spiritual holiday books - huh?).

I hope that, in one of the posts, you'll find a book title that you can't wait to read (or one you loved but forgot) - and I'm also hoping that you'll add to the lists by naming your favorites in the comment sections.

Happy Reading!

 

Community

 

The tea is brewing, tea cups are out - (the picture above is from one of my favorite local tea shops) - please join in the communiTEA (ok, I just might need a nap) at Bliss Habits.

Kathy Sprinkle has a fantastic site and community over there and I'm proud to have a guest post in the Community section, it's called Community is an Inside Job. Click on the link and come visit (pssst - I can sneak YOU a hot toddy!).

Grace Notes

A couple~few whiles ago (I'm time imparied, can you tell?) I found a heart-opening post on the interweb. The story was robed in grace. I read it - and reread it, pointed to it - and shared it with Slightly-British Daughter on a car ride.

I can't define grace. I've often said that grace is, for me, like the porn thing. Remember when Justice Potter Stewart, of the U.S. Supreme Court (when he couldn't come up with an exact definition of porn) said: "I know it when I see it."?

Even though I can't define grace, I was quite taken by the grace in the grace-robed story. Because I know grace when I see it (or read it).

As we drove along I decided to tell the story to Slightly-Brit (who, btw, is an adult - which will matter as you read on). While blinking back tears (I was so choked up), I began to share...

But mid-tell someone who'd been riding my tail for miles finally distracted me past patience.

And there, with the grace story still sticking to my tongue, and tears still welling up in my eyes (because I was so choked up), and The Peace Center license plate still displayed on the front of my car (because I'm proud that my son volunteered there for years - and I believe in peace - and everything to do with nonviolent communication)...

I shouted: "Get off my ass you fucking dick-head!"

And even though I can't define grace it was pretty easy to figure out that that was not grace. At all.

One good thing I can say about my shouting is (besides being glad the windows were closed): it was so loud that it woke me up to the hypocrite thing pretty quickly.

What came next was a kind of grace.

The ludicrousness of my telling a grace story while shouting profanity must've rolled over Slightly-Brit and I at the same time.

We shared a wry smile (one of those ain't-life-wierd smiles. Or maybe, in SBD's case, it was an ain't-my-mother-wierd smile).

Quickly adding more ludicrousness, I looked over my shoulder at the guy who'd been riding my tail and repeated a phrase from my childhood church experience: "The Lord be with you."

Slightly-Brit just as quickly added a phrase from her childhood church experience: "And also with you."

Then we laughed so hard I almost had to pull over.

Grace isn't just for other people. Sometimes grace is for ourselves.

Realizing that we're all Bozos on this bus - and that that's life (particularly right when I've auditioned for head clown) - and laughing about it (rather than hating on myself or getting worse) is sometimes as close to grace as I can get.

Having someone with me who saw what was going on - and also didn't hate on me, but instead laughed with me, well - even without being able to define it I think that's grace. Brava Bozo-grace!

Got a grace note moment you'd like to share?